Heal…

The wounds of childhood sexual abuse are deep. The hurt is complicated and complex. Even with first-hand experience, it’s often difficult to understand the far-reaching effects of abuse. It seems so much easier to live in denial—denial of any damage done and, therefore, denial of needed healing. That’s one option.

Another option is belief in self-healing. Whatever happened to me as a child, I’m strong enough to overcome. Often these two options go hand in hand. But I can tell you something about denial and self-healing. I know them both personally. I was in an intimate relationship with both of them for fifty years, and they are great deceivers. I allowed them to deceive me for most of a lifetime.

So, what changed? I slowly began to understand that my own strength is meaningless! Healing would never come with maintaining control, standing strong, hardening my heart, building walls. Living that way is exhausting. I realized that I don’t have to do it myself. I don’t have to be a self-healer. Healing comes with abandoning all of those things. It comes with surrender. It came with surrender to Jesus Christ—all of it, the pain, hurt, shame, guilt, anger. I took Jesus at his word when he said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28–30). I carried a heavy burden for a very long time, and I was weary. Taking on the yoke of Jesus requires a commitment to follow him. That’s surrender, total and complete, and it’s where true healing resides. Healing doesn’t mean my life will be struggle free, even from childhood-related struggles, and it will never mean I’ve reached perfection, for perfection only comes when Christ returns.

But the healing I found in surrender eventually helped me to understand who I am and, more importantly, whose I am. I understood, for the first time, that my identity isn’t found in my past. Childhood sexual abuse is a part of my life. It always will be, but it no longer defines me. That is healing. Because I believe in Jesus Christ, because I am covered by the blood of his sacrifice, my identity comes from him alone. “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:10). Amen!